Yep, the Onion has done it again.
“It’s not the government’s place to step in and tell my kids about food and how it’s okay in moderation or whatever,” said Woodbridge PTA member Steven Bray, a father of two students. “My son’s going to learn how to eat the same way I did–by watching monkeys do it at the zoo.”
“I’m never ever going to eat, because eating is wrong, and I’m worth more than a chicken sandwich with asparagus and rice pilaf,” Woodbridge seventh-grader Tracey Holmes said. “I heard Jennifer Hines eats all the time, like 50 times a day. I heard she eats all her ice cream upside-down, though, so she doesn’t get fat. That’s how it works.”
You know you want to read “Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity.”