There have been very few instances in my life as a reporter in which a courtroom was a happy place. Even when a sentence is justified, I often find myself sympathizing with the family of the offender and lamenting a life that has, for all practical purposes, ended or been severely wounded. As such, I was not completely sure how I would personally react to whatever sentence was handed down Monday in the Kyle Payne case.
For those who haven’t already read the article I filed on the sentence (six months in county jail and extended supervision afterward), now might be a good time.
I knew quite a bit about the case before I ever entered the courtroom. I knew the name of the young woman Payne had exploited, but I didn’t know her face — or the faces of her family — until Monday.
I’d seen Payne’s face and heard his voice through the videos he posted on his blog, but Monday was the first time I had opportunity to look directly upon him without the aid of technology. For whatever reason, I expected him to be taller than he actually was. Maybe it was that I wanted him to be imposing or to look more like a threat so that I could dislike him more.
One thing I didn’t know was that the defense had stipulated to the fact that Payne had videotaped himself masturbating in public buildings. Even when I heard this mentioned as a part of the sentencing hearing, I thought maybe I misunderstood. I had to double-check with the court before I believed my ears. I’m still not sure what to make of it except to view it as one more example of a person out of control and unable to confine himself to the basics of proper behavior.
Courtroom action isn’t nearly as exciting in person as it can be in novels, films and television shows. During the times when the court went about its business — for instance, the judge going over the charges — I found myself watching the light gleam off Payne’s bald head and wondering why he shaved it. One of the first pictures I saw of him was that of a shaggy looking young man. The next time I saw a photo or video, his hair had been cut. The picture used in this posting was taken from one of his latest videos and its easy to see how short his hair was.
While the change in hairstyles could be a simple result of the change of seasons, I couldn’t help but think about the women who, after suffering from an assault or incidents of domestic violence, pull out their own hair and eyebrows. From there my thoughts drifted to the primarily young women who take up the practice of cutting themselves. Is it possible that Payne could be that self-loathing? You wouldn’t know it from reading his blog or watching his videos.
Payne, who wore a dark suit, kept his back to the audience nearly throughout the proceedings. Even when questioned by his attorney, he rarely turned his head so that his profile could be seen, but instead leaned to the right and let his attorney speak quietly into his ear. Payne would then answer, often with a gesture of his hand, without turning his head.
I had not expected the victim and her family to be in the courtroom, much less offer impact statements. Although I know it was a difficult day for them, I’m glad they decided to come because I was worried it might turn out to be something they’d regret at a later date if they had not done all they could to bring the matter to a close.
Both the young woman and her mother spoke from their hearts. They made it clear to the court with both their words and their emotions that this incident was not a minor offense to them. The young woman, in particular, said what many who learned of the case thought: “How do we know exactly what he did while the woman was unconscious?” We don’t. We probably never will. Only Payne can say what did and didn’t happen and, frankly, I’m not inclined to believe him.
That’s not to say that I believe he cried crocodile tears in the courtroom when he offered his brief apology. The tears and the emotion behind them were real. He was very sorry that he’d been caught. He was very sorry that he had been convicted. He was very sorry that now he would likely spend time in jail. He was very sorry that his life would be forever changed because of these things. In short, he was feeling very sorry for himself and the position he was in. After reading his posts, watching his videos and observing him in court, I’ve yet to see one instance of remorse for his actions in relation to the young woman he exploited. Even as he stood before the judge, he still acted as if he believed himself to be a victim carrying more wounds than the young woman at the neighboring table.
Some have questioned my interest in the case. It’s been said that if Payne hadn’t been a blogger, I probably wouldn’t have continued to follow the story. Likewise, it’s been said that if he hadn’t considered himself a feminist and an advocate for women that I wouldn’t have been as interested in the case. Well, I can’t deny the fact that I was drawn to the story because of the unusual circumstances that surrounded it. It’s also important to note that because Payne wore these hats — male feminist, advocate for women, anti-pornography champion and dormitory resident adviser — his crime was all the more horrible.
People in positions of power, people who have intimate knowledge of how scarring sexual assault can be, people who advocate against something with passion are, rightfully, held to a higher level of conduct than people who do not have those abilities and attributes. The defense attorney argued that the judge couldn’t factor his client’s hypocrisy into the sentence. I would argue that it was Payne’s hypocrisy and his willingness to use a position of power that made the crime even more horrible.
Despite Payne’s claim of immediately regretting and being baffled by the fact that he secretly undressed and photographed a co-ed in his care, police records don’t discuss pulling the images in question from his digital camera. The images were taken from his computer. So, Payne was so distraught about what he’d done that he left the room with the pictures still on his digital camera, traveled back to his own room and proceeded to download them onto his hard drive?
In my opinion, he not only knew exactly what he was doing with the images, but he knew exactly what type of scars he had already left on the young woman in her dorm room. Because he had served as a volunteer for women in crisis — women who had been exploited, hurt, molested and raped — Payne knew what type of emotional damage his photo shoot would leave behind. He simply didn’t care… or, more likely, cared more about himself and his immediate gratification than on the long term implications of his actions.
I walked into the courtroom expecting to have some feeling of empathy toward Payne. While I did feel for his family and the loss they were suffering, my heart did not soften toward the young, bald man in the dark suit. I left feeling like I would probably see Kyle Payne again… most likely in another courtroom.
